sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
