what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
be right there i have to get my cape
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
