Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
