my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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