I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
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He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
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I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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