Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
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