Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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