We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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