I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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