I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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