Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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