kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
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i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
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You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
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