I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
