why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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