i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Blood and glitter go together right?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
