Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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