i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
she told me i tasted like america
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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