Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Randomize
