The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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