No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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