Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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