hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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