I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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