i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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