I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Everything about him screamed your future.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
