i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
How's work?
Spinning.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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