I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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