I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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