I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
