Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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