dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I think my moral compass just broke
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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