Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
kristin has been a bad kristin
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I am midnight drunk by noon
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
