well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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