A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
