there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
