i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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