i barfeds in our rink
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
