We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I use my feet as sexual weapons
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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