Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
