Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
