I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
