oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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