so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
