I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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