i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
