I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize