Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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