I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
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It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
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