I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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