$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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