Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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