Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
BRING THE BAGELS
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Randomize
