Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
