Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
