thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
