you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
