why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
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