She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
