Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
