I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
