I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I don't deserve a penis
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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