why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
