Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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